Breaking Old Habits

Einstein is commonly credited with authoring a famous quote that the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again while expecting different results. Yet we do this all the time in our daily lives and somehow manage to remain surprised about what happens when we repeatedly make the same decision.

For instance, every time I order a burrito my stream of thought goes something like this: “This burrito must weigh three pounds! There is no way I am going to eat this whole thing. I’ll eat half and save the rest for dinner.” Then I start devouring this delicious burrito that is full of all my favorite ingredients. I hit the halfway mark, but I’ve scarfed the burrito down so fast that my stomach has yet to register that it’s full. So I eat a little bit more, and soon it’s beginning to look like there’s really no point in saving the remainder for later–now I’ve got a burrito nubbin. I tell myself, “That’s not really enough for a second meal, and it doesn’t taste as good when it’s reheated anyway because the guacamole goes bad. I should probably just finish the whole thing so I don’t waste it.”

Even when there are just three bites left and my stomach has not only registered that it’s full but is now screaming at me to abort the burrito-completion mission, I still pack it in. And the rest of the day I regret it, because my stomach bloats to a size that could easily prompt a stranger to inquire about my due date. I feel heavy and uncomfortable, and I vow that I will never again eat the whole burrito in one sitting. But you can guess what happens the next time…

Now, this may say a little something about growing up with parents who forced you to clean your plate in order to leave the dinner table. But if I dig a little deeper, I find a similar behavior pattern in other parts of my life, where I somehow continue to do something even though it results in a negative consequence every time. It could be how I interact with a coworker, scheduling gym class on Friday night at 6 pm (like that’s going to happen), or how I react to heavier things.

As an example, I recently had a distraught moment (i.e. melt down) when I realized that I wanted more from a relationship than I could have. It’s quite painful to be close to someone when you want different things out of the relationship, and I was overwhelmed with sorrow for my situation.

No stranger to intense emotions at this point in my life, I immediately initiated my emergency response plan. I allowed myself to cry until I ran out of tears. I drew a hot bath (with a full tub, mind you–no holding back when you need to show yourself kindness!) and soaked until I was sufficiently calm. Then I took out my journal and honestly wrote about how I was feeling and how I might solve my problem.

That’s my typical plan of action when I’m struggling with difficult feelings, and I think it’s a healthy ritual. However, after I finished journaling that day I decided to read old journal entries that I had written exactly one year earlier. I read through detailed descriptions about what was happening, how I was feeling, what I wanted, and how I was reacting.

And that’s when I realized that I was insane–at least according to Einstein.

What I was writing about a year ago was the same exact struggle I was battling in the present. I wanted more from a relationship than was being offered. And I was dealing with it a year ago just like I was now: willing myself to be patient, trying to sit on my feelings and not force the conversations I needed, thinking that if I could just be the best version of myself that I would be seen. Same actions, same results. Red eyes, wasteful bathing, and hand cramps.

Well, my friends, I have decided that’s it’s insane to keep acting insane. I now recognize the cycle I have unknowingly been participating in; running into a wall, denying that it’s there, and all the while wondering why I’m not getting anywhere.

Awareness is the first step. That’s the good news! Once you are aware of your automatic behaviors, you can choose to continue what you’ve always done or try something new. I can (a) stuff the whole burrito into my belly; (b) stop ordering burritos; or (c) cut the burrito in two, wrap the second half in foil, and put it at the bottom of my purse where I won’t be able to find it for at least 8 minutes (because it’s impossible to find anything in my purse), giving me time to decide if I really need to eat that second half. I have clear choices now, because I have identified an unconscious pattern in my behavior. 

Now I get to discover what will happen when I choose a different action, however difficult that may be. I encourage you to examine where you feel stuck and to see if perhaps you might be experiencing a touch of insanity, too.