Extending Generosity

My most recent lightbulb moment arrived courtesy of the On Being podcast. In an episode titled The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships, philosopher Alain de Botton discusses (among other things) how we tend to unconsciously misconstrue the actions of our partners, which strains our relationships. The pattern of thinking he described felt a little bit too familiar, so my ears perked up for his recommendation of a better approach. It was unexpected! To sustain healthy romantic relationships, try to interpret your partner’s behavior with the same generosity that you offer when interpreting the behavior of children.

Now I don’t have a child, but I was fostering a retired racing greyhound who–like a child–sometimes exhibited unreasonable behavior and demanded incredible amounts of time and attention. With little effort I could think of numerous examples of being patient and understanding of Goose despite the impact his actions had on me. Like when he got on this kick of barking in the middle of the night. I live in a very small house and he has a Very Big Bark. The first time he sounded the alarm I shot up in bed with my heart pounding–what the @%#$ was happening?!? It took only a few minutes to reassure him, but it seemed to take forever to ease back into sleep.

The next night this happened again, and then the night after that…and as a person who needs my nine hours a night, I was starting to lose my mind. But during these episodes I never thought, “What is his problem? Why is he doing this to me? I have a big day tomorrow. Why won’t he let me sleep?” Instead I wondered about his experience and offered him comfort. “What’s going on, Goose? Are you afraid? You’re safe, buddy. You’re with me and I’m not going anywhere. Let’s try to sleep, bud. I love you.”

I could think of time after time where I was willing to be generous in my interpretation of (and response to) Goose’s behavior. He was going through a significant transition in moving from the racetrack to a home and completely different routine. I recognized that his actions were likely based on instincts and fears and they were nothing for me to take personally.

I questioned if I was only responding this way because Goose is a dog and I pretty much love animals more than anything else in the whole world. But as I gave it more thought, I found that my generosity of interpretation extended to children, just as Alain de Botton had said. When I FaceTime my three-year-old nephew and ask him to sing me a song, I don’t get upset when he shouts, “No! I don’t want to talk to you!” Instead I get curious about what’s going on for him and if he is having a hard day. I’m acutely aware that I don’t know what it’s like to be this little human in the world, and I trust that I’m still important to him.

Let’s contrast this with an embarrassing but demonstrative example of how I have interpreted a partner’s actions in the past. Perhaps I asked him to pick something up on the way home from work, but he forgot the errand and arrived home empty-handed. My mind might have immediately jumped to thoughts like “He knows how much I needed that! He never listens to me. I just don’t matter to him. If he cared about me, he’d remember what I asked him to do. He wouldn’t forget something that his coworker asked him to bring to work!”

These interpretations are not very generous. In fact, they are downright stingy! I’m assuming that his forgetting is borderline intentional, based on a lack of listening and care. I’m viewing my partner’s actions as a reflection of how he feels about me. And, as you may have already noticed, I’m taking his behavior quite personally. If I don’t pause to notice this runaway train of thought, how I respond to my partner is almost certainly going to be passive aggressive and provoke an argument.

Following Alain de Botton’s suggestion, could I be as generous to my partner as I am to a child (or a dog)? Could I approach this situation from the knowing that my partner cares deeply about me and that his forgetting has nothing to do with me? Could I get curious about what’s going on for him and where his behavior might be coming from, instead of jumping to conclusions? Maybe he had a difficult day at work, maybe something exciting happened and he was caught up in a new idea, or maybe–being human–he just forgot, as humans sometimes do.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that my partner’s actions don’t impact me or that I can’t skillfully share that impact with him (more on that in a future post!), but interpreting my partner’s actions from a place of benevolence and generosity will create more productive communication and increased connection. While it’s not easy to catch my mind when it starts racing down the wrong track, awareness of this tendency to misinterpret is the first step to making a change.

It’s frustrating to know that I’m offering this generosity to so many in my life, yet it can be such a struggle to give to my intimate partner. On the other hand, I know I’m capable of it, and I have a strong desire and commitment to improving how I show up in relationship. So how can I slow down and choose a different path? Maybe the next time I feel myself making an assumption about my partner’s behavior, I should ask myself what I would say to Goose!

If you’d like to learn more about this concept of generosity of intention or other helpful ways to view modern love, give this podcast a listen.