The Power of Observation

“Before I respond, I have a choice to make. Do I want correction or do I want connection?” Hearing these words, something deep within me snapped to attention. While conflict is a natural consequence of being in authentic relationship with others, it’s typically viewed as a problem. Yet the speaker, Kathy Marchant, was reframing conflict as an opportunity to strengthen connection.

Yes, please! I know that when I experience conflict in my relationships, despite whatever I might feel in the moment or how much I think I’m “right,” I ultimately want to regain closeness with the other person. But when my emotions are at the wheel, the words that tumble out often have the opposite effect. My message is received as critical, the other person distances or defends himself, and connection is disrupted.

Kathy leads nonviolent communication (NVC) trainings, and it was inspiring to hear how her relationships evolved through practicing these skills. I wanted to learn how to communicate more consciously as a way to nurture my relationships. So with high hopes and a little trepidation–because personal development always comes with growing pains–I enrolled in a three-month introductory course.

While NVC teaches practical communication tools, it’s really a philosophical approach to relating to others. There is so much I want to share about NVC, but in this post I’ll try to stick to one of the skills: distinguishing observations from evaluations. Observations are neutral, concrete descriptions of what happened. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, observations are statements “specific to time and context.” Evaluations, on the other hand, include your own perception, judgment, or analysis of what happened. Evaluations frequently include exaggerations (“you always” or “you never”) or words that carry a connotation (whether positive or negative). After talking through examples in class and completing an eye-opening homework assignment, the difference seemed clear to me–sort of like separating opinion from the facts.

Evaluation: John is a reckless driver.

Observation: John got a speeding ticket for driving 20 mph over the speed limit in a school zone.

Evaluation: Sarah missed the deadline because she always procrastinates.

Observation: Sarah didn’t turn in the report by the 5 pm deadline.

Sounds simple, right? So why is this important?

Once you can reliably recognize the difference between the two, you begin to see how infrequently we communicate neutral observations when we have a conflict with someone. We’re constantly mixing in our judgments, and this is where communication starts to break down. When we express our evaluations of others, we are often met with defensiveness or resistance, effectively blocking connection at a moment when we want to be heard and understood.

A better option? Express your observations.

Let’s look at an example. I observe my partner playfully interacting with an attractive coworker. I immediately feel anxiety and fear in my body, because his behavior brings up an inappropriate work relationship he had in the past. Later, when I tackle the subject with him I start by saying, “I didn’t like how you were flirting with Lisa tonight.” The chances are quite high that he will respond that he wasn’t flirting at all, and maybe he’ll even add that I’m being sensitive or insecure. Now I think I’m being criticized and my concern hasn’t been acknowledged. Guess where things go from here…

In the moment when I approach my partner, I believe that I’m simply stating the obvious about what happened; my “observation” was that he was flirting. But this isn’t actually an observation; I made an evaluation of his behavior. There is judgment about how he acted in my statement, and it makes sense that he might react defensively or turn around and blame me.

What if I used my NVC skills to make a true observation instead?

Evaluation: You were being too flirty with Lisa tonight.

Observation: You were talking and laughing with Lisa for several minutes, and when you walked away I saw you put your hand on her back.

Now that I’ve gotten clear about what I actually observed, I might begin the conversation by saying, “When I saw you laughing and putting your hand on Lisa’s back, I felt scared and anxious.” Now I’ve described his behavior using specific, neutral statements. This might seem like a subtle difference, but I’m no longer interpreting his behavior. I’ve also expressed an observation of how I felt when I witnessed the behavior, which is risking vulnerability.

Leading with observations increases the likelihood that my partner will be able to listen to what I’m saying without feeling blamed or criticized and sets the stage for a more collaborative response. In this second scenario, I can imagine a compassionate partner responding with empathy, reassurance, or even curiosity. “I’m sorry to hear that you felt scared. Can you tell me more about why you felt that way?” Wow! My feelings were acknowledged and I was invited to share more about myself–both of which make me feel closer to my partner.

I’ve presented a simple example but it’s a glimpse of how powerful this tool can be. We have the opportunity to shift the entire dialogue when we start from a neutral foundation. Instead of falling into old patterns of blaming and defending, we can attempt to make skillful observations of the event and our feelings. This alone doesn’t guarantee that every conflict will build connection, but my experience has been that intentionally communicating observations is valuable–especially when I’m reacting emotionally to something that has happened. I’m slowly practicing how to choose connection in these difficult moments, and my relationships are stronger than ever because of it.

P.S. There is so much more to NVC! If you are interested I recommend finding a local course or reading Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.