Life Outside of the Flock
It’s been six weeks since I graduated and all the excitement of summer has been keeping me busy. Too busy, I have decided. Since my program ended I’ve reconnected with friends that I missed, smothered my dog with more affection than she wants, played energetic host to family and friends, and fully utilized the long days and amazing weather that Portland has offered this summer. Something I haven’t done a lot of is yoga. Or meditation. This fact became clear as I started meeting up with some of my yoga school classmates. They asked what classes I was taking at the studio or if I'd been able to maintain my home practice, and I felt a tinge of guilt each time I answered no. I didn’t feel guilty enough to rush into the studio the next day but guilty enough to realize I wanted to think about what was going on.
What happened? I had established such a consistent routine and I was so happy with all the growth that had resulted from my personal practice. How did I give it up so easily? If it meant as much to me as I thought and said it did, wouldn’t I have stuck with my practice?
I intentionally took a hiatus from yoga during the first two weeks after my program ended because I thought it would be healthy to take a break (and maybe because my calendar was over scheduled). Then my evenings and weekends continued to fill up and I started struggling to get out of bed and onto my mat. Hitting the snooze button multiple times became my morning routine instead. I wanted to get up early to meditate and practice yoga. I really did! I particularly needed it because I was going through some transitions in my personal life that were bringing up a lot of emotion. On days when I would sneak in even twenty minutes of yoga, I was always glad I had done it. It's not like I've ever practiced yoga and then said, “Man, I wish I wouldn’t have done that.”
As I thought about this, I appreciated that my priorities had shifted. In yoga school I had made a conscious decision to temporarily put my social life on hold while I concentrated on school. Six days a week, I felt accountable to my classmates and had their unending encouragement and empathy to help me stay committed. Now that school was over and those external expectations of daily practice were removed, my focus had naturally returned to spending time with friends, exploring a relationship, and taking adventures. Without the support of my yoga community, my sense of commitment had somehow wavered. And while I have every intention of staying connected to this inspiring group of classmates and teachers, the truth is that I have to want this for myself and not for someone else.
I know that my yoga practice bleeds into the rest of my life in amazing ways, and I do want that to continue. Fortunately, I have learned that the way forward is not to beat myself up over this lapse in my practice. Instead I will start small and build a practice that I can sustain and that can sustain me in the real world that I live in: one where I am a part of a community but where no one is holding my hand. This may mean that I practice for just twenty minutes every day, and that’s okay. There is no question in my mind that I need yoga right now. My practice will continue to grow, but right now it can be exactly what I need it to be.