Contain or Expand

At a recent yoga class my teacher was talking about her personal experience with aging, and during her monologue she said something that piqued my curiosity. The words aren’t exact, but it went something like this: We can let our experiences contain us or we can let our experiences expand us. As I left class that day, I immediately started to explore that statement within the context of my own life.

At times I have done each of these things, often without an awareness of why I chose that path. I have let my previous experiences define who I am and prevent me from challenging my perceptions of myself. And other times my life experiences have become opportunities to explore my ideas about myself and grow in unexpected ways.

For several months I had been thinking about my purpose in life and how to spend more time aligned with my passions. This deliberate examination of my inner world forced me to confront several Very Important questions, including whether or not my job was still a good fit for me. I loved my coworkers and our mission, but I was feeling stifled in my role and disconnected from the daily impact my company made in the community. After that yoga class I decided to consider this situation through the contain or expand lens, as an alternate way to frame my thinking.

Regardless of where I’ve worked, throughout my life I’ve held roles where I’m responsible for creating process to drive efficiency and improved results. I analyze data to identify hidden trends and problems, and then I provide meaningful guidance on how to address them. Because these activities add value to the business, managers quickly recognize my skill in this area. In fact, whenever I am asked about my strengths, I habitually respond with words that sound suspiciously like what former managers have told me at countless annual reviews. Without realizing it, I have been allowing my experience to contain me, limiting my beliefs about what I can do.

And yet, I’ve done some personal exploration that challenges those assumptions. Yes, I have a knack for analyzing systems and creating process, but I’m also good at a lot of things that don’t require such an intimate relationship with Microsoft Excel. Through yoga, self-study, and other pursuits, I’ve realized that I have a variety of strengths to offer, like being able to build authentic relationships or effectively communicate ideas to a broad audience. I also love teaching, writing, and working in collaborative groups, and while these activities are embedded in my personal life, they rarely happen at work. What if I expanded my idea of career based on these experiences?

I have more clarity and confidence in making a decision now: I can let my past work experience justify my narrow vision, or I can let my holistic experience push me to explore new possibilities. Instead of asking “What have I done before? Where do I know I’ll succeed?” the questions become “What do I want to do? What would be fun to try?”

It can be appealing to rest comfortably on what we think we know about ourselves. This is often our default. Yet if we don’t regularly examine our ideas about who we are and dig deep enough to identify our core truths, we can inadvertently create a mold from which it is difficult to break free.

When I reflect on my life, I see places where I’m still letting my experiences contain me, and that’s okay. Pushing myself in all directions at once isn’t necessary either. But by tackling the Very Important questions I face with this honest perspective, I know that I will consciously make more choices to expand my life–and with it my capacity for love and joy.

Give Yourself a Push

Once you tap into even the smallest amount of curiosity about your reactions and patterns, it seems that you begin to notice them all the time. It’s ultimately a good thing, and I credit this curiosity with helping me to identify all sorts of unconscious behaviors that impact my relationships with others. But one day as I told a friend some new insights I had gleaned from a situation we had discussed at least a dozen times before, I realized that I might be overdoing this introspection business. I clearly had a better understanding of myself, but the situation hadn’t changed. In fact, I felt stuck.

My friend could relate to my struggle. She said having self-awareness was sort of like seeking The Wizard of Oz—once you decide to peek behind the curtain you can’t go back. You can’t unknow the fact that there are opportunities for personal growth all around you, and you can’t unlearn the ability to recognize them.

If you want to live with intention instead of unconsciously reacting to whatever life throws your way, it is necessary to practice self-awareness. Yet our well-meaning and often intense desire to grow as humans can sometimes hold us back. The more we learn about ourselves, the more we recognize how much we still have to learn. We can become so wrapped up in our self-analysis that we effectively become paralyzed, hesitant to make decisions because our understanding always feels incomplete.

I realized I had fallen into this trap late one night when I stumbled upon a simple quote by William Hutchinson Murray: 

Nothing happens until you decide.

Instantly I understood why I felt stuck. I was learning more and more about my core truths, yet I hadn’t translated that knowledge into action. In order to make the hard decisions, I thought I needed to understand myself even better. But the truth is I will never achieve some perfect level of understanding, because personal growth is a lifelong journey. I have to learn to take action anyway, even when it feels uncomfortable or scary. If I don’t commit to taking action, I'll continue to feel stuck.

Self-awareness is good work and I will continue this study, but now I know to push myself a little bit further. I will ask myself to decide on the best action to take based on who I am today. I will trust the quiet answers that rise from within. I will have compassion for myself when my decisions don’t produce the intended results, and I will celebrate the fact that I made them.