Give Yourself a Push

Once you tap into even the smallest amount of curiosity about your reactions and patterns, it seems that you begin to notice them all the time. It’s ultimately a good thing, and I credit this curiosity with helping me to identify all sorts of unconscious behaviors that impact my relationships with others. But one day as I told a friend some new insights I had gleaned from a situation we had discussed at least a dozen times before, I realized that I might be overdoing this introspection business. I clearly had a better understanding of myself, but the situation hadn’t changed. In fact, I felt stuck.

My friend could relate to my struggle. She said having self-awareness was sort of like seeking The Wizard of Oz—once you decide to peek behind the curtain you can’t go back. You can’t unknow the fact that there are opportunities for personal growth all around you, and you can’t unlearn the ability to recognize them.

If you want to live with intention instead of unconsciously reacting to whatever life throws your way, it is necessary to practice self-awareness. Yet our well-meaning and often intense desire to grow as humans can sometimes hold us back. The more we learn about ourselves, the more we recognize how much we still have to learn. We can become so wrapped up in our self-analysis that we effectively become paralyzed, hesitant to make decisions because our understanding always feels incomplete.

I realized I had fallen into this trap late one night when I stumbled upon a simple quote by William Hutchinson Murray: 

Nothing happens until you decide.

Instantly I understood why I felt stuck. I was learning more and more about my core truths, yet I hadn’t translated that knowledge into action. In order to make the hard decisions, I thought I needed to understand myself even better. But the truth is I will never achieve some perfect level of understanding, because personal growth is a lifelong journey. I have to learn to take action anyway, even when it feels uncomfortable or scary. If I don’t commit to taking action, I'll continue to feel stuck.

Self-awareness is good work and I will continue this study, but now I know to push myself a little bit further. I will ask myself to decide on the best action to take based on who I am today. I will trust the quiet answers that rise from within. I will have compassion for myself when my decisions don’t produce the intended results, and I will celebrate the fact that I made them.

Running To Stand Still

The only thing that’s constant is change.  I recently heard this sentiment expressed in response to someone talking about the difficulty of dealing with change. I think it was meant to be reassuring, but it might have landed wrong. Think about it–I’m going through a hard time, I’m a ball of stress, and you say I’m always going to feel like this?

I’ve been thinking about this idea lately. I don’t know if it’s because I’m going through a few changes myself or because I’ve noticed that it’s not limited to me. It seems all my friends are experiencing change in their lives, too. And wasn’t that also the case three months ago? Six months ago?

Though perhaps so frequently used it can’t help but sound trite, the statement that change is constant seems undeniably true. In both minor and significant ways, something is always changing in our lives, year to year, day to day, moment to moment. I am just getting settled into a new daily routine with my sweet old dog, and already it’s time to send her back to her dad’s house. I was just starting to get back into a steady yoga habit when my allergies went into overdrive, eliminating downward facing dog and all other inversions from my practice. Or I can consider more meaningful examples of change in career, relationship, and sense of home. How I’d just started to pursue my own friendships and interests when my now ex-husband and I uprooted to move across the country, unconsciously reinforcing our codependent ways.

I’ve logically accepted the fact that change is constant, so I feel like I should not be threatened when I’m unable to find the ground under my feet. Yet for some reason I am always in a mad rush to get to the other side. Instinctually I cling to this notion that once I get through a particular change, I will be able to plant my feet on the ground. I’ll feel stable and all will be well and life will be easier. I just need to get through this move, this schedule change, this career transition, this relationship, this period of mourning. Yet the changes keep coming–sometimes by choice but often not.

We are quick to identify change as an agent of fear, stress, or disappointment when it creates hardship in our lives, and these are legitimate feelings. But we are not being honest with ourselves if we think we can escape them by outrunning change and somehow finding a place to stand still. In my personal experience, I have found no evidence that such a place exists.

So how can we find more ease in this constant sea of change? We can start by abandoning our struggle to swim to shore, as its solidness is an illusion. Instead we can learn to float, riding the crest and trough of each wave as it passes. If we look to the horizon, there are endless waves headed in our direction. Instead of thrashing about, fighting to maintain our course, we could relax and be carried.

This doesn’t mean that we won’t get upset or sad or feel other strong emotions, but it means we keep them in perspective. We don’t create the expectation that we’ll be happy if we can just get to where we want to go. Instead, we feel whatever we are feeling and remember that it’s transient. We look around at where we are and see what we can appreciate about the place we are in. We remind each other that change is constant.